935 Funny quotes

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I can resist everything except temptation.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A Man has three good friends; an old Wife, old dog and ready money.

Short Funny Quotes

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

All men are equal before fish.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Anyone know the number to ?

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Behing every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.

Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.

I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.

I am only human, although I regret it.

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.

I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass.

I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

Trying is the first step toward failure.

We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds.

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

I’d rather have % of the effort of men than % of my own effort.

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after floors says, ‘So far so good!’

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

ron burgundy in a lion’s cage saying ‘I immediately regret this decision’. Bad decisions make good stories.

It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

The best things in life are actually really expensive.

I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms

Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is!

I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess.

Think like a proton. Always be positive.

Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.

Think like a proton. Always positive.

Well-behaved women seldom make history.

I didn’t fail the test. I just found ways to do it wrong.

Always remember that you are unique

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.

Every tattoo is temporary, because we’re all slowly dying.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I’m possible!

Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.

Be happy

If the world didn’t suck we’d all fly into space.

A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.

Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.

The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.

Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet.

Your phone doesn’t suck. Your life sucks around the phone.

You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’

There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.

Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Life is so damn short. For f*ck’s sake, just do what makes you happy.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Life begins at – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.

I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.

I live a little bit on the seat of my pants, I try to be alert and available for life to happen to me. We’re in this life, and if you’re not available, the sort of ordinary time goes past and you didn’t live it. But if you’re available, life gets huge. You’re really living it.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It’s all we’ve got.

Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face.

But at times, life is random if not downright stupid.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.

A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of.

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

As far as I’m concerned, whom is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

I don’t like to kick people when they’re down. I like to kick people when they’re up.

I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges im holding onto are.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’.

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.

You can fail at what you don’t want

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness

They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug?

The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything, the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.

That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.

She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.

Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you

My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last minutes. It lasts forever.

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.

If you spend your days doing what you love, it is impossible to fail.

If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at am while in track pants. Nobody cares.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-s ruined that for me.

Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.

According to a new survey, % of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.

A moat can be a pretty good thing. It can be lovely. It keeps rodents away from the castle. It can have fish in it. Even fish that talk. … If you give people access, they take advantage. My phone would ring times in a row. Finally, I would pick it up and say, ‘Who the hell is this?’ ‘Oh, hi! I’m calling from so-and-so’s office…’ What kind of person would ever, ever let the phone ring times? And I guess that’s when I started thinking: I can do without these people.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

Friendship is about finding people who are your kind of crazy.

Good friends don’t let you do stupid things … alone.

You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.

I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.

We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up … after I finish laughing.

People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.

If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice.

I like you because you join in on my weirdness.

Friendship is so weird … You just pick a human you’ve met and you’re like ‘Yep, I like this one’ and you just do stuff with them.

If I send you my ugly selfies, our friendship is real.

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.

Real friendship is when your friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap.

Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.

Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.

I will text you times in a row and feel no shame. You’re my friend, you literally signed up for this.

I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room … but not too humid because. you know … my hair.

We will always be friends ’til we’re old and senile…then we can be new friends.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.

Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: ‘What is your source of income?’ She wrote: ‘ATM.’

Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.

I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.

No one will ever be as entertained by us as us.

It’s hard to find a friend who’s cute, loving, generous, caring, and smart. My advice to y’all is, don’t lose me.

I’d take a nerf bullet for you.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

You had me at ‘I hate her too.’

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.

If you are lucky enough to find a weirdo never them go.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!

We’ve been friends for so long I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.

‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’

I was an innocent being once … then my best friend came along.

Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.

I hope we’re friends until we die. And then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the crap out of people.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

From the ages of eight to , me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs Ks on holidays.

Caller ID was invented for family screening.

Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member does or says.

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.

Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.

The bigger your family, the bigger your problems.

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Family is like that annoying itch you can’t scratch.

Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is Please forget.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms. In Target. Hiding from their children.

Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.

My parents said marrying was an optimistic thing to do in pessimistic times.

Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.

Mom Pro Tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Everybody wants to save the earth; no one wants to help mom do the dishes.

My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.

You know you’re old when you you barely do anything all day but still need a nap to continue doing barely anything.

% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.

Parenting is yelling ‘you just had a snack!’ over and over until you give in and throw them another snack.

You can be a mess and still be a good mom. We are allowed to be both.

My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.

I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.

And then I thought to myself, What’s the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?

It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.

I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

Me: *Has screaming children hanging off every limb*

Recipe for Iced Coffee

I love when my kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip her jacket by herself.

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born minutes ago it looks like a potato.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

The easiest way to shop with kids is not to.

My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.

I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.

I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.

No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.

Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.

Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier.

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?

When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.

What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.

If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.

Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.

Some mornings I wake up grumpy. And some mornings I just let him sleep.

Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.

To keep your marriage brimming; with love in the loving cup… Whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbours ain’t.

Love is sharing your popcorn.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.

My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.

Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?

She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.

Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It’s like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won’t fatten the dog.

As long as teachers give tests, there will always be prayer in schools.

There is nothing on earth intended for innocent people so horrible as a school.

We all learn by experience but some of us have to go to summer school.

As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school.

In school they told me Practice makes perfect. And then they told me Nobody’s perfect, so then I stopped practicing.

In recalling their school years, students mostly remember their teachers, and not the courses they took.

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there.

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

When I say I miss school, I mean my friends and the fun. Not the school.

In school one learns to ask stupid questions of life.

Show me the man who enjoyed his schooldays and I will show you a bully and a bore.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

No school without spectacular eccentrics and crazy hearts is worth attending.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.

School is practice for future life, practice makes perfect and nobody’s perfect, so why practice?

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school.

The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

School means work and work means death. Let’s all go take a nap.

Schools kill time and creativity. Find ways to workaround these limitations.

I said school starts tomorrow. I didn’t say I was going to be there.

The trouble with school is they give you the answer, then they give you the exam. That’s not life….

School is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come.

You can’t learn in school what the world is going to do next year.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.

A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.

There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done: school and prison.

School is the advertising agency which makes you believe that you need the society as it is.

School days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence.

School is one long illness with symptoms that switch every five minutes so you think it’s getting better or worse. But really it’s the same thing for years and years.

You send your child to the schoolmaster, but ’tis the schoolboys who educate him.

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

There’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate… up and down your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile. So what’s it like to be me? Ask yourself, ‘What’s it like to be me?’ The only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself that’s where home is.

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for years, he was released in and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work.

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.’

I have not failed. I’ve just found , ways that won’t work.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Here’s how my brain works: it’s stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.

Confidence is % work and % delusion.

Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

I’ve forgotten a lot of things in life. A meal has never been one of them.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

The best things in life are free*. *Does not apply to pizza.

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

There’s no ‘we’ in ice cream.

Clean eating journal. Day : I am a goddess and my body is a temple. Day : Well, that was fun.

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

Diet tip: Don’t.

The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.

Thanksgiving dinners take hours to prepare. They are consumed in minutes. Half-times take minutes. This is not a coincidence.

All you need is lunch.

I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food.

Home is wherever I’m with food.

Fun size is for quitters.

Love is an open door…to a really good bakery.

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.

How dare you say the words ‘clean eating’ in front of my friends*? *Pizza, fries, ice cream

The heart wants what the heart wants. (Cookies. It’s always cookies.)

Q: What do you call a person who actually likes dark chocolate more than milk chocolate? A: A liar.

My favorite flavor of cake is more.

Me eating fries: I should eat more salad. Me eating salad: These fries are terrible.

A bad review may spoil your breakfast, but you shouldn’t allow it to spoil your lunch.

Love means never having to say Should we get dessert?

Eating a croissant. Expectation: Fancy and French. Reality: Crumb apocalypse.

Fries or salad? sums up every adult decision you have to make.

Things worth having are worth waiting for.

Questions to ask on a first date: Are you a normal ice-cream cone licker or one of those people who bites right into it like some kind of animal?

Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.

New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That’s encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I’ve got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs.

Every day is National Doughnut Day if you put your mind to it.

Fries before guys…and pretty much everything else.

When the going gets tough, the tough eats Cherry Garcia for dinner.

The best things in life are cheese.

My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries.’

Carbs are the answer. No matter the question.

When in Rome, eat your weight in gelato.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.

I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.

The rich. You know why they’re so odd? Because they can afford to be.

Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.

Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.

The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

I rob banks because that’s where the money is.

People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the -year mortgage.

It frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

It’s easy to meet expenses

Money often costs too much.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?

Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.

I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit

Carpe per diem – seize the check.

We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin

Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.

What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.

Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells.

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’

They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.

Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it.

No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.

October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.

We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.

Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind.

Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage

To make a million, start with $,.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.

It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.

My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.

It’s money. I remember it from when I was single

Money is the best deodorant.

I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the gotta have it – scale.

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.

In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.

I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.

Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.

I am having an out of money experience.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

If you owe the bank $ that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $ million, that’s the bank’s problem.

You fool! You’re cents away from having a quarter!

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

If you lend someone $, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer.

I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.

The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people

Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.

Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.

Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.

I can tell you that the effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed

Money will buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail

If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.

No home is complete without the pitter patter of kitty feet.

The only thing a cat worries about is what’s happening right now.

A cat will be your friend, but never your slave.

It is impossible to keep a straight face in the presence of one or more kittens.

In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.

The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

When Rome burned, the emperor’s cats still expected to be fed on time.

Like all pure creatures, cats are practical.

A lie is like a cat: you need to stop it before it gets out the door or it’s really hard to catch.

Cats are a mysterious kind of folk.

A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.

There are few things in life more heartwarming than to be welcomed by a cat.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

What greater gift than the love of a cat.

Are cats strange animals or do they so resemble us that we find them curious as we do monkeys?

Cats know how to obtain food without labor, shelter without confinement, and love without penalties.

If cats could write history, their history would be mostly about cats.

Cats have it all: admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If cats could talk, they wouldn’t.

Cats are connoisseurs of comfort.

A kitten is, in the animal world, what a rosebud is in the garden.

People who don’t like cats were probably mice in an earlier life.

In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.

You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.

Choosing a dog may be the only chance you get to pick a relative.

A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express with his tongue in hours.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like, never washed a dog.

The only person who understands me is my dog.

A well trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.

I don’t think twice about picking up my dog’s poop, but if another dog’s poop is next to it, I think, ‘Eww, dog poop!

It’s OK if you don’t like my dog, not everyone has good taste.

When an pound mammal licks your tears away, and then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!

No home decor is complete without dog hair.

Life without a dog is like an unsharpened pencil. It has no point.

Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: The mail man is not to be trusted.

Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

I am one dog short of crazy.

The more people I meet, the more I love my dog.

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.

When I die my dog gets everything.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.

Handle every situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Leave me only

Beware! Dog can’t hold its licker.

To err is human

I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job!

If you want the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog.

Less people, more dogs.

Dogs are like potato chips. You can’t have just one.

If you’re uncomfortable around my dog, I’m happy to lock you in the other room when you come over.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

My cats inspire me daily. They inspire me to get a dog!

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as much as the dog does.

Reason number why dogs are smarter than humans: once you leave the litter, you sever contact with your mothers.

The best therapist has fur and four legs.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

I don’t who care who dies in the movie, as long as the dog lives.

I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that dogs think humans are nuts.

Dogs never bite me. Just humans.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well – almost.

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s.

I work hard so my dog can have a better life.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $. a can. That’s almost $. in dog money.

This home is filled with love and dog hair.

Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.

Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.

As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.

If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?

Dogs are my favorite people.

If our dog doesn’t like you, we probably won’t either.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take…I’ll be watching you.

Without my dog my wallet would be full my house would be clean but my heart would be empty.

If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

Dogs over dudes.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

It’s my workout. i can cry if i want to.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

I don’t sweat, i sparkle.

Weights before dates.

I’m sorry for what i said during burpees.

I only work out because i really, really like donuts.

Sweat is your fat crying.

Hustle for that muscle.

You make my knees weak. just kidding. yesterday was leg day.

I got problems, but i’m going to the gym to ignore all of them.

I like big weights and i cannot lie.

Hi baby abs!! i see you!!! i hope to meet your other ab friends soon (yes, i’m talking to my muscles. i’ve never met most of them before).

My favorite machine at the gym is the television.

The only bs i need in my life is breakfast and squats.

Life is short. lift heavy things.

Fitness: if it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body.

Eat clean, stay fit, and have a burger to stay sane.

Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at for minutes.

If you still look cute after working out, you didn’t go hard enough.

Friday night. party at the gym with my friends dumbbell and barbell.

Life has its ups and downs. we call them squats.

I don’t want to look skinny. i want to look like i could kick your butt.

The trouble with quotes about death is that .% of them are made by people who are still alive.

Don’t send me flowers when I’m dead. If you like me, send them while I’m alive.

Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.

I’ve looked that old scoundrel death in the eyes many times but this time I think he has me on the ropes.

I have lost friends, some by death, others through their sheer inability to cross the street.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote’ so that on my deathbed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn’t wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post-dated of course.

There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. The living are getting rarer.

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.

Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions of years before I was born and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

I intend to live forever or die trying.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest to death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.

You know you’re old when the candles cost more than the cake.

I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize that I’m listening to it.

Death is a very narrow theme, but it reaches a wide audience.

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.

Death will be a great relief, no more interviews.

I bequeath my entire estate to my wife on the condition that she marries again. That will ensure there will be at least one man who will regret my death.

It’s funny the way most people love the dead. Once you’re dead, you’re made for life.

In this world, nothing can be certain, except death and taxes.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades, especially if your teammates are bad guessers.

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend . . . provided, of course, that he really is dead.

We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.

I am prepared to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time congress meets.

Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

When I die, I want my body to be donated for research, but more specifically, to a scientist who is working on bringing dead bodies back to life.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

At my age, I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there, I carry on as usual.

The art of dying graciously is nowhere advertised in spite of the fact that its market potential is great.

When I die, I hope to go to heaven, whatever the hell that is.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

I like sleeping; it’s like death without the commitment.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.

As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.

Fear of death increases in exact proportion to increase in wealth.

Death is a delightful hiding place for weary men.

Self-decapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to attempt.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful if it happens in that order.

I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Immortality . . . a fate worse than death.

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

At my age, I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there, I carry on as usual.

Dying is easy; it’s living that scares me to death.

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating percent of their ice cream.

Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.

I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s times a puppy.’

I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’

First off, my kids know I’m a big deal.

A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every days.

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.

What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.

Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other follow women.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.

One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!

Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.

Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.

Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.

There are more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means more days till we start shopping, right?

If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.

A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.

Elf has become this big holiday movie, and I remember running around the streets of New York in tights saying, ‘This could be the last movie I ever make,’ and I could never have predicted that it’d become such a popular film.

I hate the radio this time of year because they play All I Want For Christmas Is You – like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.

If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.

A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.

Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?

What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.

Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.

As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.

How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?

Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task.

I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!

I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.

Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas.

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all feet tall.

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.

Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it!

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’.

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.

The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.’

One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.

The outdoor Christmas lights, green and red and gold and blue and twinkling, remind me that most people are that way all year round

Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.

Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.

You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.

Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping.

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.

Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in Gift certificate for a flu shot.

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?

I’ve had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’

My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.

I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.

Most of the soap operas always use the Christmas special to kill huge quantities of their characters. So they have trams coming off their rails, or cars slamming into each other or burning buildings. It’s a general clean-out.

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

The magi, as you know, were wise men

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.

Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.

Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.

At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.

Out upon merry Christmas! What’s Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer…? ‘If I could work my will,’ said Scrooge indignantly, ‘every idiot who goes about with Merry Christmas upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!

I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, ‘I want this,’ ‘Get me this,’ ‘I have to have this’… and then there’s the children. And they’re all by my store ’cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a -pound alcoholic in a red suit. ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I’m the bad guy.

Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.

Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.

It may be a cliche, but it’s true – the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself.

People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who , years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘toys not included.’

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got key lime disease.

Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.